Complement and not complete

Looking for someone to feel this emptiness, for someone to make me whole, guess i expect you to feel this space, yet many are the days it feels emptier with you around, you complement me is what it is and not complete me is what i've found. So i run to he who can make me complete. Finding a man who can chase God with me is an ultimate plus, yet how can we chase God when i cannot be honest where i am with this God, for the fear that i might loose this man. Fear has become a reality in this relationship for me, so i pray for love that casts out all fear, so that i may have freedom to share my life with this Gift i have.
Take care of the issues and not be ashamed. When perfection is revealed and imperfection breaks through the pearl perfect cover. I am afraid. Each time with you i see imperfection in me....like the Isiah effect , i see how weak, how rude, how emotionless, how far from perfect i am. This struggle is real. You have made me realise that i am not and that makes me afraid because at this point all worlds are falling. Jesus take the wheel, you are my only help. You can provide the grace, with which i can love, i can pray, even when i do not feel worthy. Because since i met him i have self esteem issues around him, maybe because he has to know all of me and i have to know all of him and i am not used to that i give a piece of me and take on whole of people and i move on.....just fine.

This journey is stripping me of the old and that is very hurtful...but i pray for grace to behold the new and not weep for the old thats gone because in so doing i will have misery all the while being surrounded by beauty. So help me God i pray to know that this too will work together for my good. And the two completes me and him will make a whole!

Love: More than a feeling

Colossians 3:14

“And above all things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Yesterday I was talking about the love tank and how mine had become empty. In my first post I said that the love for my now “hubby to be” was something I had to pray about day and night for its perfection. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is a scripture that has been used by many ministers to describe love and what love should feel like between two people. I have been studying the “in love” phenomenon in many books and articles and one caught my attention

                “At its peak, the “in love” experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. Spending time together is like playing in the anteroom of heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. Embracing stimulates dreams of marriage and ecstasy. The person who is “in love” has the illusion that his beloved is perfect.”

Psychologists have attributed the following neurotransmitters in our brain as responsible for the euphoria of the “In Love” experience;

1 Testosterone and Oestrogen - These hormones as Helen Fisher says "get you out looking for anything” (The chase hormone)

2 Dopamine – Causes heightened senses, influential to moods and emotions and is responsible for the reward trigger cycle.

3 Norepinephrine (adrenalin) -Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.

4 Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane. It diverts the mind creating a path where all you can think about is the other person

5 Oxytocin - The bonding agent, the cuddle chemical. This bonding agent makes us want to connect, physically, with another person. And once connected, stay connected. It i can be easily fabricated, just with close contact to another human being. Just twenty seconds of hug contact, even with a stranger (with a tolerable level of body odor), can dramatically boost levels of oxytocin. It is very much the bonding glue for humans.

6 Vasopressin - The protection drug, one that kicks in to support feelings of possession and desire to thwart anyone else taking possession. This is now the knight in shining armor threatening to skewer any rival that comes near.

All the articles I read agreed on one thing that the same way this hormones were responsible for the excitement of love they could also be responsible for the opposite upon their decrease.

I am not against the “in love” experience it is good and a lovely thing to happen but then the reality kicks in when this person excites you no more because seeing them no longer causes your heart to race and their touch becomes a normal feeling then couples complain and say that I just do not love Her /Him anymore.

In my search for answers I have realized that love is not just a feeling. (This particular day, I no longer feel attracted to him. It is as though I woke up in a trap and I am wondering how I got here. Thoughts of him trigger depression and not excitement; making me avoid him and stay away with a hope of relief.) 

Love is a conscious decision and the more reason it has to be stirred up. We have to develop the habit of teaching our minds to obey. True love is not circumstantial, it is not based on whether he called, or bought a gift or remembered my birthday. Today I have found my love imperfect and this has caused great fear in my heart. It has reflected that I am imperfect, still in need of help, of God’s touch.  The bible says a lot about love for instance;

                Perfect love casts out all fear

                Love never fails

                No greater love than this that a man should lay down his love for another

                For god so loved the world that He gave His only son

Love is a sacrifice; it is a garment to be put on daily that is why scripture says “put on love”. The feelings may come and go but love that is birthed of God never fails.  As Christians it is the mark that we are of God and by this will they know that we are His disciples, if we love one another. The world is crying out as divorce rates go on the rise and many hearts are broken when ladies or men break engagements to one another, leaving vengeful or bitter men and women who in turn pass the same to their children. We have Christ and he is the victory that has overcome the world. I pray that we will be the difference, the hope that marriage works, but we can only do this when we trust God to guide us and provide us with all things pertaining to marriage life for He has given us all things pertaining to life and Godliness.

Love that is true will hold through the storm, it is that which will cause us to pray and love when the feeling is gone; it is the glue that will keep me and him together. So today whereas the easiest thing would be to say it’s not going to work, quit and start all over again. I choose to get back on my knees and pray for God to restore the love I had that held me through the first 8 months of our relationship. He alone has the power to restore that which is lost and when it all is said and done the whole world (Friends, colleagues and family) will be able to know that it was truly a match made in heaven by the outward testimony of our love.

Call me Mara

Ruth 1:19-20, So the two of them went on until they came  to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, "is this Naomi?" She said to them do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.

Naomi had reached the point where she felt bitter about her life, Her husband Elimelech had left Bethlehem when there was a famine and she had left with Him and her sons, but at some point all the three of them passed on. In today's world at times we face some sort of famine in our lives and decide to look for better lands or greener pastures so to speak. We always have a confidence that the place we are going is going to be better and we are going to escape the harsh situations that surround us and make it better for us and our children.

In this journey i am taking, today i feel all of me saying to those around me do not call me Naomi (pleasantness) call me Mara (bitterness).  I came in full but today i am empty. I have read the book by Gary Chapman "the five love languages" in that book he talks of something called the love tank and how at times it can be empty.  when i started this journey i had my love tank full, not the mushy lovey, dovey tank but the logical strength that i was going to make it. But today i am empty and this load feels too heavy.

I am waiting on God of my fathers, and my God to help me. Later in the book God actually visited Naomi, Ruth got hitched to Boaz and they got a bouncing baby boy named Obed and he was the one that wiped Naomi's tears away. I believe that Naomi had to go to Moab to meet up with Ruth. Because of Ruth's Obedience she got connected to Boaz and God gave Naomi the wisdom to bring up Ruth in a way that would capture the heart of Boaz, and down the line Naomi became the great, great, great, great......(not sure to what generation) grandmother of Jesus

At times when God has big destinies planned out for you, He allows you to go through some
Wilderness- like the children of Israel
Captivity- like Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego and Beltshazzar (Daniel)
Dungeon-  like Joseph or
Bitterness- like Naomi

I am learning a lesson that all things come from Him and exist by His power and are intended for His Glory (Romans 11:36). I am learning that i may feel bitter now, but even Christ looked up and Cried "My Father, My Father, why hast thou forsaken me?, there will be those times like today in this journey that i will want to give up or frown and tell all those around me to change my name but in the end it will be a testimony unto His name

Secondly i need to be very careful whom i listen to in such times, solitude and prayer is a good thing in confusion and moments of lack of understanding. when Jesus in Matthew 9:18-24 went into the rulers house, He put away the mourners and the flute players who were causing commotion. Some people around us are so quick to declare death even when people are just sleeping, we need to be watchful of such and put them away. For inasmuch as faith comes by hearing the word of God, doubt in the same manner comes by hearing the negativity of men. In seasons when you feel weakened retreat to yourself and pray; Jesus did it (Matthew 26:38 &39) because it is at the point of prayer that God can minister to you and you can be real to Him. I am fascinated as i write this that everyone will always tell you "i think you should" or "my opinion is this" but God ministers to our deepest needs bringing us in to see His will for us; not a personal opinion but a divine plan for our success. He nurses our wounds and does not evoke in us feelings of doubt, insecurity or hatred he actually loves us to the point of getting us to respond with a simple "not my will but yours be done."

Thirdly i need to know that He will never give me more than i can bear and this too shall pass to the Glory of His name forever.

Today i am at the end of me but at the beginning of God and that is okay, because He is GOD!

Unusual for his Glory

2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

The story of Hosea in the bible encourages me all the time. I am puzzled at what the servants of God; the prophets went through at that time. The first thing God told Hosea after his call was “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry, and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the Lord” (Hos. 1:2).

I thought that in our generation God does no such things till I found myself right in the middle of such a thing. Each one of us has an ideal mate as much as we pray God let your will be done. On the 29^th November 2014 I was caught by surprise. It was the wedding of a very close friend of mine and I as usual was the busy bee trying to get things together. In October that year I had just had a very painful heartbreak. My long time best friend who had been there for me through my first breakup rejected me. I was willing to give up everything for him. Even sleeping with him did not seem a huge sacrifice if he asked; I was ready to show him that I loved him as I thought he was the one for me. After spending a night at his house he told me in the morning that he had known that I was waiting for him to ask me to be officially his girlfriend and that at this point he did not want anything to do with girls. I thank God who preserved me and did not allow me to give my sacred gift away to a man who was not meant for me. He preserved me a virgin even when I did not want to remain one. From that moment I spiraled out of control jumping from one “friend” to another and so I was the least concern about looking for a husband in November as my system was working, I was eating out on different peoples bills and being pampered like the princess I am. That morning I woke up and there he was. I was stranded and looking for a song for the bridal team, I took his phone to download the song and transfer it via USB to the DJ’s laptop. Having his phone felt funny, it was a though it was my phone, like it belonged to one of my own. I paced up and about and as a result of my perfectionist self I started straightening out the Men’s pocket squares. I did this for the entire team and finally managed to catch this gentleman, friend, church goer…..at this time I did not know what to call him. As I was going about my business with the utmost diligence and nothing sinister in my mind one of the bride’s brothers passed by and made a comment “Huyu ni Mrembo wako?” (Translated is this your beauty?) To my surprise He smiled and nodded in agreement, at that point I felt a tingling and warmth inside of me that caused me to smile at the corner of my mouth. I felt like his fiancé or wife. I shrugged the thought and continued about my business but nothing was same that day it was a very funny day. In the evening as I left the venue I went to say goodbye. It was the first time he embraced me at about 6:30 pm. I felt home…..shaking of the feeling and refusing to be caught in the moment I gently pulled away with the excuse of being left by my designated driver for the day, I quickly rushed to the car and later that evening my brother said that he would be my husband. I shrugged it off convinced that he loved the one he was with dearly plus I was just healing from my chain of frivolous friendships and did not want a commitment. I went home and prayed for God to steady my heart but in the series of prayers that followed I developed a strong connection to him. It was a though my heart was tied to him by the events of that day and a huge sack of love had just hit me. The more I prayed it away the stronger it got. I started making sure that I would have to say bye on Sundays after church before I left and I kept praying.

You may wonder why the intricate details of our meeting had to be painted in the above paragraphs, it is because an unwilling girl like me was caught up in God’s will for my life, but this was not at all what I thought it would be. Silence ensued until 2015, no intention of marriage, dating, nothing! Most of the time I felt I was throwing myself all over him, selling myself cheaper than I knew I was worth, but for some reason I was willing to hold on and see where it would go. So June or July came and we started meeting. I was shocked, a pampered princess like me……I went through a lot and wondered in my heart if it was truly him? At times I thought to myself that God was playing a joke on me. After a while he told me and not asked that I was going to be his wife. September 24^th 2015 we officially started our courtship. I meet up with my friends and they ask the age old question “do you love him?” yes I do. But it is not a warm fuzzy feeling that gets me frolicking like a little girl on a candy high. It is something I pray about day and night asking God to perfect it in me, because each day I see a reason to let go, each day I find something about him that threatens my very existence and the fabric of God’s love for me. It has been 8 months and counting but it has been the longest journey. That’s why today I am reminded of Hosea, at times God year marks you for greatness, and causes you to pass through some difficult situations. Imagine Hosea a man of God going to his family and telling them this is the woman I have chosen to marry and at the mention of her name his family’s suspicions are confirmed and they are all in awe. Like really!!!!! Hosea? A prostitute? Weren’t there any good girls in the synagogue who you could marry? It made no sense to Hosea just like it made no sense to my family. They could not understand this whole “I know he is the one because God said so”, whereas my whole body language and facial expression were screaming “Please save me!” as one who had been taken hostage. Obedience is a hard thing, but Jeremiah 29:11 states “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope (KJV-to give you an expected end). Like Hosea I do not want to go back for gomer, “I tried it the first time as hard as it was and she ran away” is what he might have been thinking. But God had to make His point to Israel and Hosea had to obey. I am convinced that this relationship is of God and I keep praying that God will not fool us and give those that doubted the satisfaction of “I told you so”.

We are the most imperfect in our eyes, we may always see our short comings but he has proved it over the last 8 months. At times I hurt him with my words and actions at times he hurts me with his words and actions but then He always comes back. His love for me reflects God’s love, because in the end he had to save the world. And though we may bicker at each other and want to give up. He always gives us the strength to come back. Yes there are those fuzzy days but most at this point are stormy seas, rest assured in my tears I know he is making all things beautiful in his time and I cannot wait to share our experience with the world. He truly has made all grace abound to us, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, we may abound in every good work.

Ours is unusual, but unusual to his glory!